


blue boy

by gunsforhandsd



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: M/M, Sexual exploration, Suicide Attempt, Thanks, and i actually sorta like where it's going so far, blue haired josh woah, brallon, but its okay cause everything is getting better, but read it please, cause im already doing really bad at this tagging thing, i started this at 2 am one night, ill add more tags as the story goes on, joshler - Freeform, may touch on some sensitive topics, so give it a go please, this is one of my first joshlers go easy on me, twenty one pilots - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-05
Updated: 2017-09-01
Packaged: 2018-12-11 13:05:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11714982
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gunsforhandsd/pseuds/gunsforhandsd
Summary: apparently tyler's blue haired neighbor can't keep track of which house is which.





	1. fine and dandy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey kids
> 
> im excited for this fic ive had this in my head for the longest time and ive toyed with so many ideas (so, so many ideas) before settling on, well you know, whatever this is. and i still have no clue exactly where im going with this fic but man im excited to see. i have taken inspiration from other fics, i will be honest, cause damn you guys are so talented and original its crazy. 
> 
> but anyways heres blue boy 
> 
> (enjoy)

it was a pastel blue morning.

tyler loved the color blue. it was a soft, safe, calming color. red was too harsh and chaotic for him. pink was too tooth-rottingly sugary sweet. purple was too rich and boastful, and green was too grounded. everything tyler was not.

but this morning was already a beautiful shade of blue, and the clouds were cotton candy dangling in the sky, puppeted by a smiling sun, the air crisp and warm and the grass wet with dew. it was a pleasant, quiet morning, and it was just what tyler needed.

he had just moved out of his shared apartment and back into his parents home, and he was really enjoying the solitary atmosphere he received in his quiet neighborhood in his quiet room with his quiet mind and absolutely zero noise to set him off. no annoying roommates who forgot his keys more often than not and couldn't decipher between the wrong and right days to bring girls back home. no yelling downstairs over video games and basketball games, no loosing sleep over loud music playing in the next room deep into the night. only satisfying, sole and peaceful silence.

and tyler loved it.

or, at least, he had convinced himself he did.

tyler grumbled under his breath as he shifted his weight on the bed, his hand holding down the folder full of fan letters on his lap from falling over off the side, the sheets wrinkling and tightening around his legs, which was particularly irritating due to the humid summer air.

his brain was throbbing now, and he groaned loudly, which didn't do much to help his case. it was another one of those morning. he knew it, and he could already foresee the rest of the day. it wasn't going to be one of his good ones, no matter how blue the sky was today.

"dude," he mumbled to himself. "slow down a little. it's too early for this."

he sighed, and leaned back his head and closed his eyes, trying to shut down his mind and allow himself to drift back to sleep.

abruptly, his eyes flew open to an aggressive knocking at the front door, and a voice yelling something from the outside. he winced at the abrupt loss of silence and at the returned pounding in the back of his head. he rolled off of his bed, trudging out the bedroom door, and padded down the stairs, careful to not trip on the glossy surface with his mis-matched socks.

the banging stopped briefly as he reached the main room, and he slowed down, hoping the "visitor" had left him alone. he was reminded of maddy and jay asleep upstairs, and hoped even harder that they hadn't been woken up by the racket. his prayers weren't answered; the knocking continued only seconds after and the voice rose up again.

he grumbled under his breath, finally reached the door unharmed and unbroken, and swung open the door, squinting at the person on the opposite side, who stared blankly back at him with his fist raised in the air and his mouth open in mid-yell.

tyler raised his brows at the blue-haired boy before him.

the boy closed his mouth, and his fist dropped to his side. he eyed tyler with a slight look of confusion, and his head cocked to the side.

"wait, who are you?" the boy spoke. tyler immediately took note of the small details in his voice, just from those four words. it was something hes been doing for a while, and it was becoming less of a hobby and more of a habit. the boy sounded exactly how you'd expect a dog to sound like, if dogs could speak. and if they had gauges and a nose ring. and blue hair.

anxious, cozy, safe.

tyler's brows drew together as he pointed to himself. "me? who am i?"

the boy held tyler's gaze. "yeah, uh, what are you doing here? in my house?"

tyler barked out a laugh. "im sorry, your house?"

the boy's gaze didn't waver.

"this is uh, this is my house? i live here?" tyler continued.

this time the boy's eyebrows drew together, and this time he looked purely confused.

"wait, you- what?"

he backed up a couple of steps and looked out down the street, towards the house to the right of tyler's. his eyes lit up with recognition, and then turning back to tyler, quickly filled with apology.

"ohhhh, oh shoot, i'm sorry man, i didn't check the houses, sorry for all the noise and banging and stuff usually my grandma is here when i come home and i have this part time job i have to leave for in a little bit and im supposed to make sure everything's okay and settled at home before i go and she'd never hear me if i didn't and i thought-"

tyler cut him off. "dude, it's fine, really." tyler wanted to be annoyed with him, and maybe usually he would be, but he couldn't bring himself to feel anything hostile towards this boy.

the boy shot tyler a small smile. tyler examined every millisecond of movement, from the way the corner of his lips didn't rise evenly, and the tiny flash of teeth that pepped through. when tyler had finally caved in and told trudy about his over-observant tendencies, the therapist asked him if he could relay exactly why he thinks this is so necessary. tyler knew she wasn't necessarily trying to be prying and rude, but he had gotten annoyed either way, and refused to speak for the rest of the session. but maybe that was just because he didn't know how to answer her question.

thinking bout trudy made tyler's mood plummet even more, and he could feel himself getting irrationally aggravated.

"so i guess you'll be on your way," he muttered to the boy's feet.

"oh, uh, yeah, i guess i will," the boy muttered back. but a few heartbeats have passed by and the boy's feet have still not moved, and tyler's eyes lifted to his face, catching the boy staring at him with intrigue.

their eyes met, but the blue boy wasn't looking away.

tyler lips twitched. "look dude, you show up at my house banging and screaming on the front door at 4 in the morning, excuse it on your half deaf grandma who apparently lives next door, and now you're staring me down like you're trying to figure out what half of my face looks more appetizing. wouldn't that be a little concerning to you?"

the blue boy's face cracked with a wide grin, and laughed. loud, confident, genuine.

"you're completely right, i wouldn't blame you for calling the police on me now, who knows what i'm really here for? some strange dude comes up to your home all decked out in piercings and colored hair, i'd be pretty concerned as well."

tyler pulled out his phone, biting down a smile. "i've got 911 on speed dial, man, don't try anything with me this morning."

the boy smiled at him again, except this time it was much toothier. tyler took note of how his lower lids puffed up around his almost nonexistent eyes, and the double dimples his smile folded his face into.

tyler concluded that he would probably be alright with this man banging at his door at 4 in the morning any day of the week.

the blue haired boy had composed himself, and was already beginning to back away.

"sorry again for the banging and everything, and the uh, the staring thing too. i promise im no pervert or anything, your eyes just looked like so nice in the sunlight, i couldn't help myself." he grinned once more, teeth and double dimples and all, before he turned and crossed his way over from tyler's house to his own. tyler watched his retreating back, before stepping back inside and shutting the door gently.

tyler leaned his back against it, and breathed out slowly.

blue, echoed in his mind, drowning behind his eyes. blue. beautiful, soft, safe blue.

there was something about the boys smile and the blue blue blue hair that sort of made tyler want to call him back. plus, its been a while since hes seen a fresh face. no matter how much he tried to mask it, he missed having company. he didn't mind moving back in with his family, but the wounds of chris and nick's departure from the band they had formed together was still pretty fresh. he didn't take it personally, of course, and all the fan letters that still poured in day by day would always lift his spirits a bit, but it didn't rid him of that lurking shadow of failure that followed him wherever he went.

tyler's stomach knotted, and he shook his head. "too early, man." he muttered. "too early."

tyler kept his grip firm on the staircase once more, careful to not trip and fall, as he headed his way back up the stairs to his bedroom.

 

 

kelly watched her son closely as he stared down at his dinner.

"tyler, sweetie," his mother spoke up suddenly, interrupting the animated discussion on basketball the other three joseph boys were holding. tyler looked up at her.

"how was your day? did you do anything interesting, come up with something new maybe?"

tyler tried to hold back a sour face, but his mother caught it anyways. they both knew what she meant by "something new" and they both also knew that she really shouldn't have brought it up so soon.

she had opened her mouth to take her words back, but he tyler beat her to it. "today was okay, it was pretty warm out which was, uh, nice. i went out for a bit, played a little ball," he lied easily. he purposefully ignored the last part of her question.

she smiled softly. "i'm glad to hear that, hun."

he ignored her. he didn't exactly mean to be rude, but his mind had only been pointlessly wandering before she had asked him about a "something new," but now it was all that was swarming in his head.

what was he to do now, anyways? his dream was basically in a pile at his feet. he tried writing, every day, more than he liked admitting. he tried to piece himself back together with words and syllables, he tried to build his dream back up in his brain with chords and scales and poetry but it wasn't working. he was trying so hard to hide behind an illusion that things were still okay. because he knew, deep in the very back of his head, that they really weren't. he had dropped out of college for this. he had to face the look of disappointment in his mother's eyes, that look of doubt in his fathers. he had built up and sacrificed so much for his, and it all just crumbled in his fingers so quickly.

tyler's breathing was speeding up, and his hands balled up in his lap. he knew he would feel the pain of his finger nails digging into his skin later.

conversation at the table has quieted by now. tyler could tell his family had their entire attention trained on him. this aggravated him even farther, and he got up abruptly, his chair scraping violently against the dining room floor.

"may i be excused?" he requested through gritted teeth. he didn't even know who the question was directed to, but it was his father that answered, "tyler, son, are you alri-"

"can i just- can i go? please?" his hands were shaking at his side, and his legs were loosing balance beneath him. he squeezed his eyes shut. he hoped he wouldn't cry. not here, not in front of them.

a few heartbeats had gone by, and tyler didn't wait for an okay any longer. he turned on his heel, and stumbled out of the room.

his sheets were cool against his cheek as he carefully lowered his shaking body onto his bed. he closed his eyes, willing himself to stop thinking so much, but the darkness did nothing but haunt him even further and a scorching heat rose behind his eyelids and god he's never felt so alone.

he willed his body upright, rubbing at the heaviness in his head. he glanced warily at the small corner of his shared room where a little trash bin sat, brimmed with crumpled up sheets of paper, a few scattered on the grounds surrounding it.

he didn't even realize that his legs had began making its way over to the trash bin until he was picking up a pen from a near desk and reaching into the bin to steal a crumpled paper from it.

he sat, crossing his legs beneath him, and carefully unfolded his choice paper. he could just barely make out the words scribbled onto it.

he uncapped his pen, and retraced the words:

_am i the only one i know?_

he stared hard at the words. he wasn't aware of how heavily his chest was heaving in and out.

he stared at the words until they burned violently into his brain, until he could close his eyes and see them speaking for him, behind his face and above his throat.

he hummed out loud, the sound vibrating awkwardly in his lungs. he found himself back on his bed, reaching under his pillow for his journal, scribbling, " _shadows will scream that i'm alone_."

he took in a deep, shaky breath. "but i-"

he was interrupted by the bedroom door swinging open. his brother's face appeared in the light. tyler's heart jumped, and he quickly shoved the notebook back under his pillow.

"tyler?" zack spoke hesitantly.

tyler didn't look up to meet his eyes. he wanted to feel bad, but he wasn't exactly feeling anything anymore. emotions were so exhausting, anyways.

"what do you want," he mumbled.

"dad, uh, dad wanted to know if you wanted to go out, maybe run some errands to clear your head? maybe?"

tyler finally glanced up to meet his younger brother's eyes. sad, concerned, piteous. he sighed heavily, and rubbed at his lids, pushing himself to his full height, carefully securing the scrap paper into his front pocket. he was so, so tired of that look. and it seems that it's thrown at him everywhere he goes, now.

"yeah, sure. tell them i'll be back in an hour or so."

zack nodded, stepping back as tyler brushed past him. tyler could feel his gaze on his back, even after he turned the corner, ventured down the stairs, and went out the front door.

sad, concerned, piteous.

so, so tired.

 

 

josh leaned forward on the counter-top with his phone in his hand, thumb swiping lazily across the screen as he gave half of his attention to the game he was playing. he didn't even look up when the bells above the gas station door rang, signalling the entrance of a costumer. or the entrance of a something, at least. he really couldn't care any less at this point, though.

whoever had just entered apparently had not noticed him either, and shuffled their way over to the aisles to find what they came into the station for. josh sighed as his phone buzzed, signalling that he had lost his game. he set it down, after glancing at the time. 10:52.

he resorted to examining the current costumers to pass the time. there was a man over by the fridges, pulling out a carton of milk. josh guessed he looked a bit like he was somewhere in his early forties. he had the worn out slumped shoulders of a man with kids in their elementary years.

josh glanced around some more, and caught sight of a younger woman, this one looking around her late twenties. he smiled. she was standing by the candy isle, and he could emphasize with the torn look on her face.

finally his gaze sought out one more remaining person, a boy who looked to actually be around josh's age. twenty two, twenty three, twenty four maybe? he was cradling a jar of milk, a few bottles of red bull, and some packs of microwavable burritos. he had mousy brown hair peaking out from a cap, covered by a hoodie. josh couldn't make out anything more about him, which he was fairly determined to, since he felt that he had done a pretty good job with the other two.

he hadn't realized he'd been staring, though, until suddenly brown eyes met his. his mouth parted slightly, as something washed over his face. josh guessed it was something similar to confused recognition, because he was sure it was scribbled all his face as well.

he wasn't given enough time to dwell on this any longer, when the first middle aged man coughed loudly to grab his attention. josh jumped, mumbling an apology, quickly scanning his items. when he glanced back up to find the mousy haired man again, he wasn't anywhere to be seen.

josh sighed again, tending to the woman from earlier, who, apparently, had decided to generously let herself a few chocolate bars.

he gave up searching for the mousy haired man after a while, and went back to passing the time on his phone. he hadn't heard the shuffling footsteps approaching the counter-top until he was met with those same intense brown eyes from before. even in the dim, crappy light of the station, the man still looked as intimidatingly attractive as he did when they first met.

the man's eyes flickered up to the small tufts of blue hair peeking out from under his beanie, before setting his items on the counter.

"it's you again." he spoke. josh's stomach did a little flip.

"it's me again," josh returned weakly, pulling the items from him.

"didn't know you worked here," he continued. josh paused, his eyes rising to meet his, willing himself not to flush when he found him already steadily gazing at him, unashamedly. "i come here all the time, and never one saw you before," he stated. he was evidently pretty blunt something josh hadn't noticed the other day. josh decided he liked this about him already.

"oh, yeah, uh, i'm uh, i'm new here?" he hesitated, quickly mowing over in his whether or not it'd be weird to give him a bit of a backstory with it. he decided it wouldn't hurt anybody. "i used to play the drums for this band as a sorta, like, living i guess. but they never really payed that much attention to me, because i was the, you know, like the drummer. so i quit," he rushed, wishing that he had actually decided to work around this. he didn't like the piteous looks he always got when he relayed the story.

"so yeah, uhm. i got this job here to fill in for it."

something in the man's face shifted a bit, but it passed so quickly josh couldn't be sure he even saw it at all.

it wasn't pity, though. josh knew that much, and he liked him even more for it.

"kinda in a similar situation right now, actually." he chuckled quietly. josh exhaled. his laugh sounded like music.

he hadn't elaborated any further, so josh took his cue and began sorting the mans items and scanning their prices into the machine.

it took josh a few moments to realize that music was sounding softly out into the quiet of the store. he looked up to see if maybe the man had put in ear buds with the volume a little too loud. that happened to josh sometimes.

but no, the man was actually humming. it was a soft melody, almost like a lullaby. josh had stopped scanning his items. it was a beautiful sound, and he wanted to ask the mousy-haired man about it but at the same time he didn't ever want the humming to stop.

the man abruptly looked back up, kicking josh out of his brain. he mumbled an apology, and tapped at a little screen on the backside of his side of the screen that showed the man what he would be paying. the humming had stopped.

the man reached behind him, patting the back pockets of his jeans for something that he evidently did not find, as he brought his hands back up empty.

"shoot," he muttered under her breath. he looked back up at josh, wearily.

"i left my wallet in my car, could you give me a second while i go grab it?"

josh waved him off. "yeah man, go ahead."

josh watched his every step as he quickly stepped outside, seeing the lights of a car flash on as the man was retrieving what he needed. he was on his phone when the mousy-haired man reappeared before him.

"here we go," the man placed a few bills into his hands. josh hoped he looked completely unfazed by their hands grazing.

josh bagged his groceries, pushing them back over to him.

"well, that's that, then." josh murmured, staring anywhere but the mans face.

"guess so," he had replied. he wasn't moving, though.

"hey, uh," josh spoke up after a few heartbeats of silence. "that, uh, you were singing- humming? this little, um, melody sorta thing and it sounded really cool, i liked it a lot and i'd uh, i wanted to know where that came from?"

the mousy-haired man chuckled again, and josh's heart back flipped in his chest. he found himself dumbly grinning back; the man's laugh was so contagious.

"oh that? man, i don't even know yet," he replied, his eyes glinting with something josh couldn't place a finger on. "the song has been in the back of my mind for the longest time now. i've been working on putting words to the mess of music in my head."

"are you-?"

"a musician? a writer?" the man interrupted, his smile softening. "yeah, i make music for a living. just barely."

josh chose not to pry into the last bit. "that's sick, man." he continued, more hesitantly, "would you show me some of your stuff one day?"

the man's back was against the door now, and he grinned real big at josh. "i mean, you know where to find me, man."

josh flushed, and he laughed nervously, rubbing at his arms. goosebumps were rising on his skin, and not because it was cold.

"yeah," he mumbled, praying his face didn't look too red.

"it's tyler, by the way," the man spoke back up. josh's head snapped up.

"huh?"

"tyler." the man smirked softly. "my name. i'm tyler."

josh's mouth parted slightly. tyler. he breathed softly tyler tyler tyler-

he could hear the man chuckling. "yeah, that's me."

josh's heart dropped when he realized tyler had heard him, and he could feel the blood rushing up to his neck.

"i'm uh, i'm josh," he responded quickly, kicking himself under the counter.

tyler dipped a nod at him, a smile in his eyes as he turned to push the door open.

"i'll see you around, josh," he said, before turning, and disappearing out the door.

josh sunk into the counter top, burying his head in his arms. he became aware of how fast his heart was beating. he looked up at the sound of a car pulling out of parking. he watched the headlights disappear as tyler distanced from the station.

josh gathered himself back up, as another costumer entered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey its me again 
> 
> thank you for reading this far if you made it here
> 
> i have rewritten this ONE chapter literally four times now and i am very satisfied with the outcome of this fourth trial and i hope you were too 
> 
> but yeah thank again for reading, and all feedback, ideas, comments, kudos and support and everything are all so appreciated (and also very beneficial for my poor self esteem) 
> 
> spread love and dream big kids


	2. up, down, and sideways

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in which you get a better look into the background lives of the boiz
> 
> it gets a little heavy somewhere towards the end (spoiler: tyler has a panic attack. sorta.)
> 
> so tiptoe around that part if you need to, and take care of yourself
> 
> see ya at the end of the chapter

josh checked to make sure he got the houses right before he slipped his key into the hole above the door, and quietly pushed the door open. he had made extra sure to remember his keys so he wouldn't have to yell and bang on door this time.

he only let himself glance at the house to the right of his for a millisecond before he made his way inside his home.

it was still pretty early in the morning; his watch read 4:23 a.m.

he shuffled his way into the kitchen, setting his keys and his beanie down on the counter, before making his way into the family room. he flipped on a single light, and jumped when he say his grandmother seated in the old rocking chair by the sofa, holding a small dog in her hands.

she didn't look up when he flipped the light back off, and continued stroking the dogs fur as he silently made his way across the room, lowering himself on the floor before her.

"where'd the dog come from?" he spoke up finally, after a few comfortable moments of silence. he was pretty used to it. he liked it, too. it was nice sometimes, just sitting in complete silence with somebody, his grandma, without feeling like he had to pressure himself into making conversation or easing any tension or awkwardness. she would always know when he was there. it was like she knew that he knew that they didn't need the acknowledgement to entertain their presence of each other. besides the fact that they also both knew that her hearing was doing so well recently, anyway. his bond with his grandmother would look strange from the outside, but josh didn't mind it in the least.

"jordan stopped by a couple hours ago and dropped him off," she spoke up, finally. "your mother and father had asked him if he could find time from school to pick him up from where he was staying with your aunt and uncle and take him back home, here. jordan sacrificed an entire night of sleep for it, and he was even more disappointed when you weren't here," she laughed, and josh grinned with her.

she gave the dog one last stroke, before gently lowering him into josh's arms. "he told me to tell you that he said hello," she continued quietly, eyes sparkling.

josh knew who she was talking about, but he couldn't help taking a crack at it, anyway.

"who, the dog?"

she laughed, much more wholly this time, and josh couldn't help giggling with her. she reached out and ruffled his hair.

"his name is noah," she said, leaning back into her rocking chair, picking up a small knot of yarn on the little table besides her, a fond smile on her face.

"i doubt you remember him, your parents took him in when you were just a toddler, and just as small as he is, but when your other sibling started coming along, there wasn't enough time, or money, to take care of the poor thing. so they handed him over to your aunts and uncles, but he's back home now."

"i never... knew that," he mumbled.

"don't know why your parents never told you, either," she tsked. "wouldn't do you no harm in knowing."

josh didn't reply. he stared down at the dog, half asleep in his arms. he began rubbing the spot in between his ears, smiling a little when he made a small noise of appreciation.

"they re-named him noah because he had been in the family for a small while now. i had him with your grandfather before they did. noah is very old now. made 'em think of god's noah from the bible, you know," she continued, setting to work on the ball of yarn in her lap.

"he holds so many memories from our family's generation. he's been through it all, he's seen it all. they thought of the name, because it made them think of something that holds something very important, something to hold close to you. because of noah and his ten commandments, you know? and when they thought of that, they thought of our little friend here."

"oh, really." josh was, in fact, genuinely surprised. he hadn't realized his parents were so creative, especially in the simple re-naming of a dog.

"yes. i am so very happy to see him again, too. it's been a very long time," his grandma said softly.

they sat in that comfortable silence for a few more minutes, josh stroking the, now asleep, noah in his arms, and is grandmother rocking back and forth, quietly humming a tune he still recognized from years ago, when she would sing him and his siblings to sleep when she used to live with them before. he could almost hear the quiet giggling and soft whispers,  _sing it again, you sounded so pretty, please grandma, just one more time_. the window curtains were only open a crack, so just enough 4 a.m. light came through to make the room feel very safe and warm and welcome and  _home_ and josh couldn't take enough time to soak it all in and bathe in it until it was all he'd ever know.

but he spoke up anyway.

"you know," josh said slowly, breaking the silence. "i, uh, i met somebody the other day."

"oh really?" she looked up from her work, a smile growing back on her face. "and who's this lucky stranger?"

he could feel a blush creeping up his neck, so he craned his head down further into the fur of the dog in hopes that it would hide the redness of his face.

"well uh, i mean, you can hardly consider it meeting, cause it was really entirely on accident i guess. he- uh,  _they_  lives like, right next door to us, and when i was coming back home the other morning i guess i mixed up the houses and went banging crazily on their front door," he snorted at the memory. "you shoulda seen their face when they opened that door to see some weird pierced up kid with colored hair at their front porch." his grandma chuckled with him.

he shrugged to himself. "i don't know, they're just- they're cute."

his grandma cooed at this, making josh's face flush a deep red again. josh rushed on. "but like, in a scary, sorta intimidating way, i don't know how to describe it? it's not even like, creepy porcelain doll type of thing, they just... they seems like they've got so much going on behind their face, and the fact that their face in itself is just..." he trailed off, noticing how his grandma's attention has shifted completely to him, her face only small smiles and sparkling eyes.

"and like," josh rambled on, absent-mindlessly rubbing his thumb up against noah's ear. "they dropped by the gas station where i work like, last night at about ten to eleven p.m.-"

"did...  _they_  know you worked there?"

"well- i don't... i don't actually know," josh replied thoughtfully. "i don't think they did though, they did tell me that they went there all the time and never once saw me working, so i doubt so."

his grandma hummed. "you should go talk to them, since you like them so much. did you not say that they live right next door?"

josh's head snapped up. "wha- i don't- i do not-"

his grandma laughed. "you didn't answer my question, joshua."

he groaned. "well, yeah, i guess so? but they just... they just- they intimidate me, grandma," josh whined, trying to get her off his back. but she persisted anyway.

"joshua, we both know that's not true," she snorted. "you know you want to see him again."

and she wasn't wrong, either. josh did want to see him again, but:

"it was all just an accident anyways," josh sulked, shifting noah in his lap so he could rest his cheek in his palm. "they probably aren't even expecting to ever see me again after that."

"you don't know that, joshua. what did they say last night at the gas station?"

josh shrugged his left arm.

"we didn't have much of a solid conversation really, h-  _they_ , uh, they just asked when i started working there, like i told you, and i told them about the whole drumming thing and then they told me they made music and then i like, asked them about the stuff they did and they..." josh trailed off, groaning in realization and turning his face into his palm.

"and they...?" you could practically hear the smile in his grandma's voice.

"they said that if i wanted to know more i know where to find them," josh's voice muffled.

his grandma reached out with the butt end of her needle, tapping his shoulder in triumph. "mhmm."

"i'm not going to go talk to them, grandma," josh grumbled in his palm.

she laughed again, and josh was rolling his eyes but he was also smiling and then he could help but chuckle along with her.

"besides," he whined on, with a smile this time. "we met on such... weird circumstances, its gonna be even weirder just... talking to them. again. just because."

"it is only weird if you make it weird," his grandma concluded with a smile.  
  
  
  
  
  


"tyler?"

"tyler."

"tyler, what the fuck?"

"are you even alive? hello?"

"TYLER."

tyler's snapped to attention, finally hearing jenna yelling in his ears. and also seeing her. frantically waving her arms in his face.

"oh, uh, sorry jenna. just spaced out a little there."

she smacked his arm. "yeah, and unfortunate for you, cause you just missed the best damn part of the movie."

now, jenna wasn't necessarily a mean person.

well, actually, yes, she kinda was.

but she didn't mean any harm. at least half the time. it was just who she was, honest and blunt, and tyler liked that about her most days and she liked tyler as well so there was no reason for it to be a problem.

plus it came in handy sometimes, usually in the case of getting tyler out of trouble when he began "acting up" again. as trudy liked to refer to it as. she had a voice sweet enough to cure all evil in the world, but just for the cases where a "plan B" is in need, her piercing blue blue blue eyes and intimidating glare were both pretty convincing.

and now here they were, at jenna's apartment, watching some old horror movie from the eighties, a bucket of popcorn on the sofa to share between the two of them, and tyler was thinking about things he shouldn't be thinking about.

or, more precisely, he was thinking about  _people_ he shouldn't be thinking about.

and he wanted to be angry about it, too. he really did, and in any other occasion he could have easily bitten back at jenna and they would laugh it off later but suddenly he almost wanted to allow himself to think for once but he wanted that to  _bother_  him.

and it didn't.

and  _that_ fact in itself had bothering him day in and out. for the last couple of days, actually, since its been a while since he's seen blue anywhere else but in the 4 am morning skies.

he hadn't told jenna about it either. which was also strange, since he told her everything. like, everything. they weren't all corny about it, but he and jenna were pretty close. at first, his mother would shoot him knowing smiles every time he came back home from hanging with her. but it's been years since then, and by now his mother had long understood that whatever it was between her son and jenna was anything, and basically everything  _but_  romantic. or sexual.

and tyler didn't even consider himself the type for friends, but his friendship with jenna had been going strong for the last two years, and no matter how obnoxious she could be sometimes, he wasn't going to complain, either.

"hey, tyler," jenna spoke up, eyeing him as she took another handful of popcorn. "my friend invited me to tag along in a little charity drive the guitar center where he worked was holding, to you know, to get rid of stuff they don't need, so, you wanna come along with me?"

tyler could already feel the frown creasing in his face. he hated socializing.

"i dont know, jenna-"

"oh, come on," she rolled her eyes, grinning at him. "he's gonna have some cute friends there too, maybe you could meet somebody, or catch someone's eye, you never know. you don't look too bad yourself, anyways." she winked, tossing a popcorn at tyler's face.

tyler scoffed, swiping a thumb over the grease on his forehead. "i mean, i won't completely disagree with you on the last bit-" jenna's grin widened- "but you already know how i feel about all that crap about love and relationships, jenna, you already know how tangling myself into that stuff never works out well for me. or the opposite person." she rolled her eyes again and he continued, "besides, i wouldn't want to go anyway. i just.. don't like... people. or being around them."

she sighed. "trust me tyler, i know that first hand."

tyler sunk into the sofa, eyes boring right through the movie before them. no matter how much he acted exactly unlike it, he did have human emotions. he did feel bad. especially cause it was- well, it was  _jenna_. she had been a strong rock of emotional support since the day they met, and even though tyler had no clue why this was coming back to him now of all times, he did care about her, and he liked seeing her smile.

plus, he owed it to her, anyway.

for several, endless reasons.

"fine."

jenna's head snapped up. "you- what?"

"i said  _fine_. i'll go."

jenna's grin practically radiated light into the entire apartment.

tyler hadn't looked up to see it, but he knew.  
  
  


 

trudy sat cross legged in her ugly brown chair across the room, hands folded over a clipboard in her lap, and her eyes blankly staring tyler down.

tyler had his arms crossed on his chest, paired with a defiant face as he glared right back at his annoying therapist. he knew he shouldn't be doing this still. he knew that it wasn't anybody's fault that he was like this, except his own. he was being a jerk, and he was being childish, and  _he knew_. but he did it anyway, because maybe that stupid, depressed, self centered kid that tried to take his own life at seventeen fucking years had never left him, anyways.

he also knew that everybody he met, everybody who knew about  _it_  still treated him like he was that same 17 year old. and maybe he brought that on himself, but it never stopped him from using that as a justification for the things he still did.

"you know, tyler, the faster you answer my questions, the faster we can both take our leave," trudy spoke up again, ending the ten minute, silent stare down.

tyler didn't budge.

"we both don't want to be here right now. stop wasting your time, tyler."

"stop  _saying_ my name, for god's sake," tyler finally seethed from his seat. "i know who i am, i don't need to be reminded of it every two seconds of the day."

trudy hadn't even flinched. her expressionless gaze lingered on him for .02 more seconds, and then she was shifting her glasses and scribbling down on the clipboard and tyler slunk down into the seat and groaned out loud cause god he was so,  _so_  tired.  
  
  


" _i've got a migraine._ "

tyler stared down at the words scribbled in his journal.

there was a date in the corner, but the numbering had long faded away, but he could still make out the day of the week: sunday.

he looked up to the ceiling of his room, staring at the blank, white walls. he didn't like how they were staring back at him but he couldn't make himself look away. his vision was blurring and swaying and he didn't know why but the blank ceiling was  _bothering him_.

" _my pain will range from up, down, and sideways_ ," were the next words he had scribbled down in the journal. " _thank god its friday, cause fridays will always be better than sundays, because sundays are..._ " and there was no more after that.

the walls were mocking him. he stared back up them, muttering " _up down and sideways_ " over and over and they were laughing, taunting, closing up on him and he wanted to scream shut up shut up  _shut the fuck up_.

he became intensely aware of his surroundings. he didn't realize that he had switched the lights off already. force of habit, probably. but the room was dark. so, so dark and usually that wouldn't  _bother_ tyler but tonight it did and he curled his knees up to his chest as if it would make him smaller as if he could hide from the giggling ceilings and the clock on his dresser that was ticking.  _tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick..._

he was crazy. he laughed at himself. loudly. but it sounded so hoarse and croaky and his throat was started to hurt so he quickly shut his mouth.

he wondered what it was he might've wanted to end that small poem with. what are sundays to him?

not good days, obviously, if he was on his knees praying to not only jesus but god himself that it was friday instead.

"i do not have writers block, my writer just hates the clock," he mumbled up to his blank-as-ever ceiling.

"it will not let me sleep, i guess i'll sleep when i'm dead-" but suddenly the ceiling wasn't laughing at him anymore. suddenly the ceiling was the faces of his family, his parents, sloppy and teary and pleading,  _please be okay we didn't know oh where did we go wrong?_ when they were allowed into his hospital room.

it was the face of jenna, her blue blue blue eyes, usually screaming strong, confident, knowing, beautiful, in control, i have control, control control  _control_  were then crying tears and suddenly the blue wasn't a rock of emotional support but the few lingering pebbles left behind by the blue blue waves of the ocean crashing on the beach sand; washed up, lonely, and  _gray_.

it was the usually warm, friendly face of mark and everyone else who thought they were friends of tyler's, now flushed with sadness and worry and concern and pity and pity and pity and he was tired of being pitied. he was tired of having to live with the fact that he could have actually been gone and he would have hurt all these people and he would have to  _care_ cause  _they_ fucking cared too much.

he was so tired of people telling him that it was their fault, that if they had done this or have done that they could have stopped him from jumping into that street. that somehow, some small, insignificant changes in action could've physically prevented him from letting his body guide him into the escape of the gray gray roads and speeding cars that would fly him away to places where he wouldn't have to see that pity in those eyes anymore. where he wouldn't have to  _care_ any longer.

he squeezed his eyes shut.

_where he wouldn't have to care any longer._

"-cause sometimes death seems better than the migraine in my head."  
  
  
  


 

josh watched mark from his post on brendon's bed. he was barreling around the small room, looking for where he misplaced his video camera. josh had spotted it on the third bar of the wooden shelf next to the dresser a while ago, but found mark's hysterics too amusing to interrupt.

brendon sat criss-crossed on the floor in front of josh, his face buried in his palms. josh turned his attention back to the troubled man before him.

"and i'm like, i'm seeing sarah now," brendon grumbled into his palms. "but mark found out that dallon's gonna be there too and  _fuck._ " brendon groaned obnoxiously, lifting his head from his hands, eyes trained aimlessly at josh's torso.

"i mean like, i'm not  _dating_  sarah or anything, but we're really hitting it off, you know? and she's so nice and funny and  _hot_  and i like her and i'm over dallon and  _why_  does he have to be there?"

josh could still hear mark's muffled groaning from inside a closet, and he bit his lip to hold himself from giggling.

brendon grumbled again, dragging himself up into the bed, and collapsed dramatically across josh's lap.

"josh, you  _need_  to help me out," brendon started, just as josh heard mark from across the room: "josh, bro, could you like, give me a hand or something?"

"you've got this, mark," josh called back. he could hearmark blowing steam through his ears.

" _josh_ ," brendon stressed, hauling himself up so he was straddling josh instead. "josh, you're like, hot as fuck, and dallon's pretty gay," brendon mumbled thoughtfully. "i think. i mean, he wasn't all that  _hetero_  when we fucked in bed," brendon laughed obnoxiously, and josh had to try not to roll his eyes.

"so why don't you come with me," brendon continued, "and help distract dallon for the whole drive and keep him far, far fucking away from me as possible? just 'cause you love me?"

josh ran a hand over his flushed face. he hadn't exactly completely come out to anybody, yet. not even to himself. but he was close with brendon, and they both knew that josh was anything but entirely  _straight_.

besides, what kind of straight man gets slightly turned on by his male  _friend_ straddling his lap?

it wasn't even an unusual occurrence, he and brendon had kissed platonically before, and brendon was always sexually comfortable around josh. accept brendon  _knew_ he was bi. josh still hadn't come around to admitting his sexuality to himself.

but now here he was, with his best friend situated in his lap, bottom lip pouted and eyes wide with pleading.

" _jooooooosh_ ," brendon begged. "you gotta do this for me man, your boy is  _desperate_ here."

josh didn't give himself any more time to consider, because brendon was starting to fidget in his lap and josh didn't know how much longer he could pretend this wasn't doing things to him.

he caved, mumbling, "fine, sure, i'll help you out, just get off my lap already."

brendon gave out a loud  _whoop_ , then quickly leaned in to press his lips to josh's before hopping off the bed.

"thanks man, you're the  _best_ , you know that?"

josh sighed, falling back on the bed.

"yeah, i know, i know."

"GUYS-" mark began, popping up from under the wooden cabinets, his video camera waving in his hands, before he was cut short by a soft  _thump_ , and josh didn't even need to raise his head to know what had happened.

plus, he could also hear brendon begin to wheeze hysterically, it was all he needed to know that-

"after everything i just went through, i had to hit my head on this  _stupid_  shelf," mark howled. josh chuckled from his post on the bed.

mark grumbled at him, rubbing at the spot on top of his head with his free hand.

"i blame you for this, josh," mark yelled from across the room.

josh couldn't help himself, his giggling erupted into loud laughter, encouraging brendon as well.

"sorry, man. but you did get your camera, didn't you?"

he heard mark mumble something under his breath, and a new wave of laughter took over josh's body.

mark was about to make anther remark, when his phone sounded near the head of the bed josh was laying on, and he quickly scampered for it before the boy could get any ideas.

"who is it?" brendon inquired, finally regaining his composure.

"oh, it's just... it's uh, it's jenna," mark mumbled distractedly, thumbs flying across his screen. "she said she tried to reach you, but you were't picking up your phone?"

josh cut in. "who's jenna?"

"she's a friend of mine," brendon piped in. "met her through sarah. she's uh, she  _nice_. she's a nice,  _great_ person and i invited her to come with us to the drive cause why the fuck not."

"yeah," mark continued, "and she's bringing someone along with her, apparently."

brendon's head snapped up. "wait, really? holy crap who? does jenna have a boyfriend or something what the hell mark did she tell you who it was-"

" _no_ , brendon, she didn't tell me who it was," mark interrupted him.

"did you even  _ask_?"

"why do you care so much?"

brendon glared at mark. "she's my friend? hello? am i not allowed to care about my friends?"

mark snorted at that, and josh tried not to snicker.

" _besides_ ," brendon huffed on. "they could be like, a  _not good_  person, or maybe even someone  _older-_ "

"brendon," mark rolled his eyes. "she's 20 years old. she's capable of making her own decisions, and the right ones, at that."

brendon opened his mouth to retort, but josh spoke up first, cutting the argument short. "you're such a kid brendon, let it go."

"nobody asked you,  _joshua_ ," brendon stuck out his tongue at him, and josh rolled his eyes.

"no wonder dallon broke up with you," josh muttered, earning himself a kick in the leg.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey there
> 
> so we said a lil hello to jenna, brendon, and mark
> 
> and a struggling tyler too
> 
> i wrote that part from past experience, and its rough. it really is, but it passes, thing will change. life always has its up and downs, highs and lows, and even in times of pure happiness you cannot escape it. but thats okay. you are always surrounded by people going through the same thing, and we'll get through it together, alright? you will always have shoulders to lean on, this music to lean on. dont let go of it
> 
> anyways
> 
> yeah
> 
> stay alive kids
> 
> its worth it, promise


	3. surrounding all my surroundings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> josh is a total cutie but tylers straight you guys

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (twaimz's comeback motivated the completion of this chapter)
> 
> (oops)

tyler had been groaning for the last hour and a half.

he and jenna were situated inside of a shopping mall scavenging for clothing. in jenna's words.

and its not that he hated shopping, no. he actually enjoyed it; it was fun and it took his mind off things. he never really understood why the stereotype existed that guys despised it so much.

but he was relentlessly grumbling out loud to jenna because he simply wasn't in the mood to socialize with people today. whether at a charity or at a shopping mall. he wanted to regret even agreeing to come along in the first place, but he saw how bubbly jenna was after he had and he couldn't find it in him to vocally take it back.

it didn't stop him from complaining, though. being a jerk was his specialty, and he mastered it well.

"oh no, jenna. you've  _gotta_ be kidding." he turned his lip up at the pair of tights jenna pulled out from a shelf.

"oh shut up, tyler. you'd look so good in them."

"i am not wearing that to a guitar center charity drive, jenna."

"who ever said you had to? go try it on, tyler." she dropped the tights in his arms, along with a couple other shirts, and two pairs of black skinny jeans.

"jenna, i really just don't get it," he protested. "why are we shopping for new clothes just to go to a charity drive?"

she ignored him, shoving him off towards the dressing rooms, her attention already diverted to picking through a pile of clothes for shirt for herself.

tyler closed the stall door behind him with a loud, obnoxious sigh, dumping the clothes onto the small bench in the corner. he stood to his full length and looked himself over in the mirror before him.

he was scrawny. tall, and scrawny. he never really cared much for his appearance, and never found himself able to relate to those who had struggled with accepting themselves for how they look.

he knew he wasn't anything special, obviously. he had never thought that highly of himself, which may have came to much of a surprise to people. according to how overconfident and bold he acted day in and out. he had plain, short brown hair and boring, brown eyes and a tanned face with lips too plump and  _red_.

and not to mention the subtle double chin he was rocking at the bottom of his face.

maddy used to always poke fun at his long eyelashes, too, and basically his overall soft and feminine features. but he could always bite back at her with the fair amount of people he had hanging onto his arms back in high school.

he was chuckling to himself now as he went through the clothes that jenna picked out for him, looking himself thoughtfully in the mirror, before moving onto the next item.

he finally came up to tights at the bottom of the pile, and he gingerly wriggled himself into them.

he turned, facing himself in the mirror, looking at himself from all angles he possibly could. he took in the colors, the material. black, white, gray. simple, subtle, and soft.

they weren't half bad. and if he may, they didn't make his legs look half bad either.

he decided that he might like them a bit more than he had a few minutes ago.

he wouldn't let jenna know that obviously, and he wouldn't be wearing them anytime soon. but he was biting down a contented smile as he shuffled into his own clothes and exited the stall.

jenna looked up at him, expectantly, and he shrugged. "they were okay."

"well i mean, that's  _great_ , but like,what about the leggings?"

"what about them?"

she rolled her eyes. "whadya think?"

he transferred all the items in his arms over to jenna's- already well occupied- ones. she grunted behind the pile, and tyler finally allowed himself to grin.

"how much time are we gonna waste here anyway? don't we have a charity drive to attend?"

"tyler, you rat-"

tyler double-patted jenna on the back, shoving her over to the rooms like she had done to him.

"now, don't take too long in there, jenna."  
  


they were back in jenna apartment, and tyler was seated on jenna's mattress, a half empty can of redbull in his hands. jenna was lazily throwing on an old t-shirt of hers (tyler still remembered the day they went shopping for it two years ago, and now it was so worn down the yellow was turning into a dusty gray), and hadn't even second-glanced the bags of clothing they brought back from their trip.

and tyler was  _incredulous_.

"are you- are you serious? jenna, you've got to be kidding me-"

she laughed, pulling up some faded blue (blue, blue) shorts.

"what, can i not take you out shopping once in a while anymore?"

tyler groaned loudly. "jenna, its a goddamn charity drive."

she rolled her eyes, flipping her hair up into a ponytail. "you're so boring, tyler. the shopping wasn't for the dumb charity drive, alright? can i not just wanna spend time with my best friend?"

tyler rolled his eyes right back. "you could've at least played the bff card a bit earlier, so we could have skipped over all access drama,  _jenna_."

"oh please," jenna turned around, a hand on her hip. "you're an  _actual_  drama queen, tyler." she reached out, patting him twice in the cheek. "there would have been drama no matter what went on or who did what."

tyler's mouth dropped open, and he was about to snap back indignantly but jenna's phone went off ("wait JENNA WHY THE CRAP DO YOU HAVE ONE OF MY SONGS AS YOUR RINGTONE STILL YOU PROMISED THAT YOU REMOVED IT YOU GODDAMN LIAR-") and she had turned towards her mirror, sliding her thumb across the phones surface, and thereby ending the argument abruptly.

"hey mark," she answered, dabbing at her face with, what tyler assumed, was some sort of sponge. for the face. it also happened to be a sugary color of pink, so he abruptly shifted his focus to eavesdropping in on the conversation. he strained to hear marks voice at the other end of the call.

"well then, good afternoon to you too." pause. "mark, i literally cannot hear a word you're saying, where the hell are you?" another pause. "alright. who are you with, then?" she caught tyler's eye in the mirror, and gracefully put the call on speaker.

marks voice spoke loud, "honestly, i could ask you the same thing, jenna. you never told me who you were bringing with you."

she rolled her eyes again, swirling around and jutting the phone out to tyler. "say hello," she said.

tyler leaned in towards the phone. "she's bringing me, mark."

"oh, hey tyler, is that you?"

tyler was cut off before he could answer by a voice in the background of the call who called out, "and who the fuck is tyler?"

"tyler is jenna's best  _friend_ , brendon. friend," mark emphasized to the other voice.

jenna snatched the phone back. "brendon! hey buddy!"

"jenna!" he heard the voice,  _brendon_ , gush from the other side.

"wait, jenna, the lights about to turn green i gotta hang up, see you at the drive," mark cut brendon off, and the call abruptly ended.

"oh," jenna said, startled. "alright-y then." she pocketed the phone, reaching round tyler to grab her hand bag. "we should get going now, tyler, since they're almost there."

tyler sighed, setting down his unfinished red bull, and rising from his spot on the bed.

"who is brendon, anyway?" he commented, as jenna unlocked the front door and let tyler step outside.

"oh, brendon," she laughed, shutting the door behind them. "he's a damn  _handful_. i think you'll like him, though. you both have a lot in common."  
  
  
  
  
  


tyler hasn't step foot inside of this guitar center for about an entire year now. he remembers stopping by to check on the pianos, but that has been it.

and now, here he was, falling behind jenna as they approached, already wary of the tables filled with CDs and instruments and equipment and  _music_ and the  _people_ there for it. he couldn't recall when jenna had disappeared into the scattered crowd.

he finally came back to his senses as two teens running after one another flew past him, knocking him forward into a man standing in front of him. he mumbled an apology, dodging away. his eyes searching through the lines of people to see if he could catch sight of a hot headed blondie with blue blue eyes. he found mark instead, who waved at him from behind a table crowded with racks of small stringed instruments.

"ukueles," mark answered when tyler had asked him about it. "they're real small, but they make the prettiest sounds ever." mark handed tyler a cup of coffee to hold, continuing, distractedly, "have you uh, have you seen jenna anywhere? brendon's been going on for the last-"

"who's brendon?" tyler asked. it obviously wasnt the first time he had, but he felt that he hadn't received a fair answer every other time he tried to obtain one.

"me, brendon?" a voice came from behind him, and he whipped around, his arm almost knocking over an entire stacked row of the ukuleles.

"yeah, that brendon," mark rolled his eyes, focus already shifted back to work, mumbling under his breath, "dun can never do me one little favor, can he."

tyler's head titled at that. dun?

"tyler, you deal with him now, make sure he gets off his ass and gets shit one, please." he didn't look like he was in the mood for getting pestered with questions, so tyler turned to face the man by him.

tyler skimmed over brendon's figure. he lingered on his lips, which were sugary pink and full. he drew his gaze back up after he watched them pull up into a cocky smirk. he hoped this guy didn't get the wrong idea. tyler was just too observant and above that he was straight.

besides, either way he already wasn't and never would be anything near his type.

he laughed to himself. why again did jenna say that they had anything in common?

brendon squinted at him. his smirk had dropped. "what's so funny, man?"

oh. he had done that out loud.

he opened his mouth to answer, but brendon cut him off. "who even are you, anyway? aren't you that dude that jenna said she was bringing today? 'tyler,' was it?"

tyler lifted his chin just the slightest. "yeah," he deadpanned.

"and who are you to jenna?"

tyler was tempted to take a jut at him and claim to be her boyfriend, and even though brendon's reaction would probably be utterly priceless, he wasn't asking for jenna's wrath today.

so he rolled his eyes instead and replied simply, "we've been  _friends_ for two years now, dude. what does it matter to you?"

brendon pursed his lips, eyeing tyler doubtfully, before that smirk slowly rose up again. "well, could you explain why you were so shamlessly checking me out a minute ago? and what you found incredibly fascinating in my lips?" he wiggled his eye brows, and tyler was already growing exhausted of the overconfidence radiating off of this man.

so jenna really wasn't joking when she called him a handful.

....was that what she meant by-

he was saved from having to come up with a quick reply back by another, much more familiar voice coming up from behind tyler (god, why does every one feel so obligated to come up from  _behind_  him?) that said, "brendon, we know you're pretty, you don't have to shove it up everyones ass twenty four seven."

the voice had stopped right beside him, and the first thing that caught tyler's eye was a shock of stupid, dumb, soft blue hair.

 _fuck_.

josh had beat him to it, and he stumbled, "oh, uh, hey tyler what a uh, surprise to see you again didn't know you'd be here wow?"

brendon furrowed his brows. "but josh, didn't you hear the entire conversation with jenna in the car? you already knew-"

"don't you have work to do, brendon? like, maybe a charity drive to help attend to?" josh grumbled. tyler had to knot his lips to keep from smiling.

"whatever dude," brendon threw up his hands in surrender. "just remember your promise." he winked as physically unsubtle as possible, before disappearing behind a couple holding hands in line nearby.

"what promise?" tyler turned to josh curiously.

tyler's eyes followed the nervous hand that reached up to rub joshs shoulder. "s'nothing, just a, uh, you know, stupid bet. bros being bros," josh breathed a nervous chuckle.

tyler cocked an eyebrow at him. (he had to restrain himself from laughing again; he was becoming more and more like jenna as the days went by.)

"bros being bros, huh?" he repeated, finally allowing himself a smirk. "you're a terrible liar, you know that?"

"m'not lying," josh muttered, and tyler laughed.

"alright man, whatever you say."

they stood there in silence for a couple awkward heartbeats, josh's eyes trained nervously to the floor, looking like he wanted to disappear right there. tyler didn't know if that was a good or bad thing, but it didn't stop him from taking the opportunity to examine the boys face. he looked like a cat from tyler's angle, and he didn't even try to hold back from barking out a laugh. at least it grabbed josh's attention again.

"what's so funny?" josh asked.

tyler shook his head, trying to wipe the smile off his face. "nothing, nothing."

josh stared him down dubiously, before he smiled a bit. tyler's eyes dropped a bit to take it in. every millisecond, ever dip and curve. his smile was simple and beautiful and tyler kicked himself for  _noticing_ like that.

"why do we keep on running into each other so much?" josh breathed.

tyler placed a mock offended hand to his heart. "excuse me? and why is that such a bother, is my face just that ugly to you?"

"what, no, your face is-" josh turned tomato red, and tyler bent over laughing.

"what, what is my face, josh?"

"shut up," he mumbled, earning himself another burst of laughter from tyler.

"but really," tyler continued, when he caught his breath again. "what brought you here, sir joshua?"

"who even told you my full name?"

"it's not rocket science, josh. what kind of parent names their kid just ' _josh_ '?"

"mine could have," he countered.

"but they didn't," tyler concluded.

josh opened and closed his mouth. "alright, you win. brendon dragged me along here. that's all. i don't know, i guess he just didn't wanna be alone with mark today." josh tilted his head at tyler. "wait, you know mark, right?"

"yeah," tyler shrugged. "he's an old friend. been here since day one. he helped me loads during my short lived musical journey, too, so he's a pretty cool dude."

josh raised his eyebrows. "short lived...?"

tyler winced. he didn't feel like talking about it.

"it's uh. i play the piano and write songs. like you know. but i, uh, i quit. gave up," he shrugged again. "but it's whatever. guess it just was never meant for me."

he didn't look up to catch whatever looks josh was throwing at him. he was tired of pity, and he wouldn't know what to do with himself he saw that in josh's eyes. but josh had reached out a hand and brushed it on his arm, making tyler lurch back and look up to catch his eye. if josh had taken any note of tyler's reaction to his touch, he didn't show it. instead, he spoke up, "hey, you should show me those songs one day. if you're comfortable with it. i mean," he laughed, eyes crinkling. "by this rate, we'll probably be running into each other again soon any way, so we might as well organize it ourselves this time."

tyler hummed. it came out hoarsely, from the back of his throat. it sounded like something entirely different, and he tried not to notice josh's face coloring again.

"yeah, sure man. again, you know where to find me."

josh smiled wide, nodding. "yeah man."

tyler nodded, breathing a small chuckle. "well, i don't wanna hog up all your time here, your boy brendon's been throwing looks at us for the last five minutes," he pointed over to where brendon was trying to make it look like he was sorting CDs. "i'll see you?"

josh nodded fervently. "dude, yeah."

tyler returned his smile. "cool."  
  
  
  
  
  


josh splashed water on his face in the bathroom sink, before sighing deeply and staring himself in the face through the mirror. his short conversation with that man,  _tyler_ , running through his brain, over and over and  _over_. he hoped he hadn't said anything stupid. he hardly could even recall the conversation, but knowing him, he probably did.

and yes josh is an idiot but fuck tyler had pretty lips to watch move as he spoke and such a nice voice that he wanted nothing more than to hear in his head over and over and  _over_.

he rubbed his eyes warily, shooing away his thoughts. you aren't doing this josh, he chided himself. not now, not now.

he grumbled to himself, pushing off the sink ledge to make his way back out.

his mission was fairly simple. keep brendon out of sight from his ex.

he hadn't  _entirely_ failed yet. brendon was all over him when he returned to his table, flooding question after question before josh could even inhale.

"dude, we're lucky he didn't spot me here while you were chatting it up with pretty boy over there," he whined. "why were you even talking to him at all, josh? he annoys me, and he seems like such a loner."

josh rolled his eyes at him. "yet you think he's pretty."

brendon shrugged. "well  _yeah_ , of course i do, josh. takes one to know one."

josh laughed, and opened his mouth to retort, when brendon made a high pitched panicked noise. "fuck, fuck fuck josh he's fucking turning this way fuck he's looking at me he's fucking  _looking at me_  josh do something quick do something kiss me or something  _josh_ ," brendon screeched in his ear. he didn't even give josh enough time to process up a plan when he grabbed him by the sides of his face and pressed their lips together.

it wasn't their usual quick kiss either, brendon went all in, moving his lips against josh's, hands moving down to josh's waist to press their bodies close, practically  _begging_ him to reciprocate something.

josh's heart skipped eight beats all at once, his body seizing up. they were in public, there were eyes, josh isn't straight, he isnt straight is he allowed to not be straight and brendon is doing that thing with his hips again and fuck it if josh didn't cave in and kiss him back with everything he could muster up.

his motivation wasn't entirely drawn from brendon's hips, though. there was another man on his mind and pressed to his body, another man holding his cheek and kissing him like he was all he knew.

josh was back in the bathroom after that. dallon had quickly disappeared, and brendon was celebrating his triumph and josh was  _hating himself_  in a toilet stall.

he was such an idiot. they had only interacted three times. literally only three times. and all three were on accident.

tyler was probably straight too, anyways.

josh groaned, out loud, banging his head against the closed stall door. he heard someone call out from the sinks, "hey dude, are you, uh, are you alright in there?"

"shut the  _fuck_  up," josh barked.

the dude mumbled an exasperated apology, before exiting the restroom.

josh sighed, head hung pitifully low between his legs.

"stupid, stupid, stupid," he muttered.  
  
  


the sky was turning purples, oranges, yellows, pinks, and tyler and jenna were making their way back to her apartment. tyler had a small ukulele case in hand and jenna was having the best time teasing tyler, as well.

"so you two talked it up for how much time, again?" she laughed.

"it was like, five minutes," he grumbled.

she doubled over at that and tyler had to slow down to let her catch up.

"you guys," she wheezed out between little huffs of laughter. "you, flirted, for five minutes, and you put the ultimate card out on deck and you thought-" she cackled, leaning over on her knees. "and then he went and fucking made out with brendon. tyler, he fucking went and made out with  _brendon_."

tyler prodded her shins threateningly with the tips of his shoes. "shut the hell up, jenna."

"fattest turn-down in history, tyler."

"i don't even like him," tyler argued, tugging at jenna to rise up again. "not like that, at least."

"yeah dude, totally," she giggled, finally following behind tyler, who had given up and angrily stalked ahead.

"i'm  _straight_ , for gods sake, jenna," he called back, throwing his hands out exasperatingly. "i'm straight and i don't like the  _fucking_  guy."

"yeah," jenna began wheezing again. "come back and repeat that again when you aren't flirting yourself up his ass and your face isn't so fucking  _red_." her laughter doubled at tyler's strangled scream ahead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i disappointed myself with this chapter honestly its a whole lot shorter than my last two chapters, its really rushed and crappily writter and i just put it off for so long and i wish i had a legitimate excuse but really i was just feeling pretty insecure about my writing and depression has been kicking my ass too 
> 
> but YOOOO its september first and which means august is finally over (yay) but schools starting in less than a week (nay) so updates will probably get even slower buuuuuuut (cue plugging and self promos) all comments, kudos and general support mean so, so much to me and motivate me so much to work faster (and harder) believe it or not
> 
> and if my ass is taking too long to update this shit then yall can yell at me on twitter (@rabrecords) or tumblr (@floralsjosh)
> 
> i love you! have an amazing day and dont do drugs kids


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